idreamhigh-with-a-superficiall-mind

ACTS

2012-01-22T04:09:00.000-08:00

i wonder if i was the only one who suffer . i dont really understand why sometimes i feel like life isnt worth it. Every cut i make is for all the people who say they will be there , but arent . who say they love me but they dont , and for those broken promises. Yet , i was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. i hate to woke up with pain , because every now and then , my life has the tendency to fall apart. i wake up to suffer through out the day , trade a dream for the pay, well here's the pay , i hope it sticks. im just alive out of habits.

there was once a time , when silence means nothing to me . These questions in my mind , are somewhat bigger than life. i can see the end.. my blood flows through the river of death, where my soul still remains..
i can face all those misery that i've ever wished .

You see that girl? She looks so happy, right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time and... dying inside. She's hurt. And tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak and attention seeking. So she keeps it all inside. Acts like everything's perfect but cries at night. So everybody thinks that she's the happiest person they know and never cries. That she has no problems and her life is perfect. If only they knew the truth...

honestly feeling unwanted was just painful . i dont know what to believe in and i dont know what to hold onto . i dont kow if i coulf trust them , i dont know if they do care . sometimes i wish i could die so that i can see who really care and who doesnt .

but despite every problems , i wish he will still be there . but if he did left me , maybe i just trust the wrong person , again for the countless time . for the last time , you should know that i love you . maybe more than i have to . and frankly , i was afraid that one day , you'll stop having me in your arms and replace me with someone else better .

40days :)

2012-01-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

10 more days to go !
it was hard to look back ,
i remember how everything used to be in anguish and pain . And honestly , i will travel around the world just to stay on your side , to be with you everyday .
i hate those moments when i couldnt do anything about you , about us, simply , you are my mutual addiction.

"I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.
How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?
How can you not feel anything?
How can you not care?"

"My heart was ripped right out of my chest. I could picture spending the rest of my life with you. Kissing you on that bridge in Paris. Staying all day in bed with you. And now you have all of these dreams with her. She's beautiful. She seems great. Which kills me, of course. But I'm happy that you are happy. I'm not happy that she's the one making you happy. I couldn't give you everything that she can right now. I'm so far away from you. It's the worst feeling."

"You couldn't admit to yourself that you might have fallen for me and I was so unexpectedly heartbroken I couldn't even fight back. That was it- you picked her and left me in a million little lonely pieces"

"months thoughts were constantly bouncing around in my mind about what I could have done or said to have changed your mind. Should I have told you that I loved you earlier? Should I have put my broken heart aside and fought for you? Or maybe it was just a lost cause from the start"

"I have this stupid image of us in my head, hand in hand, looking back at this time and laughing it off like a bad dream. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you. But im going to let you go . I thought we have something , yet for you it was nothing , such a tragedy , im too stupid to think that a guy like you would actually fall for me. Leave me alone , and dont come back . i hate you , i hate how you ruined us , and how you made me fall for you"

This could be a sad story but its not.

I found real love.

The real real love. Not the kind that will make you cry at night, or ask yourself why he said that, or kissed that other girl, or why he isn't sure about us. The real L-O-V-E. The person I know will love me for the rest of my life. I know it sounds crazy. I thought I found that in those other boys when I met them to. But I was wrong. And this feeling is so different. Its trust. I am calm. For the first time in years.

one day I will be able to turn around every morning and you will be there, and you will stay. And even though I miss you every second and every minute, for that, it is worth the wait.

ILOVEYOU :D

selamanya ;')

2011-12-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

20.11.2011
3.45 AM ,

ILOVEYOUUUNICHOLASJASONCHAN (;
you are my sugar rush ,
my cocaine bliss ,
my illegal high ,
my favorite drugs ,
you're an addiction i always fail to resist,
-bas-

amount i thought id miss you , amount i do D:

2011-09-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

take me with youuu ;)

2011-09-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

holiday blabss

2011-09-07T09:00:00.003-07:00

HI GUYS ;)
holidays almost over ,
zee nga poh on friday ,
school on monday yeaaaa :D
check out my new post :
http://i-smudgemylips.blogspot.com/2011/09/sneak-peak-to-upcomming-review.html

LOTS OF LOVE
XOXO
BEVV

LIPPIESSS RECOMMENDATION (;

2011-09-01T01:34:00.001-07:00

idk why but ive been crazy for lippies goodies lately :}
if you have recommendation , please email me @ aprilia_beverly@yahoo.com (;
have a nice hols !

i wish i knew how to make you want me , forever...

2011-08-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

you are the warm cheese to my bagel (;

2011-08-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

second blog , dedicated to my shoping addiction :D

2011-08-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

GUYSSSSS
*BIG DRUMROLLS*
i made my second blog , *sigh* finally .
it is some beauty review blog and shopping stuff , since i did a lot of shopping lately (: make sure you visit my blog since im going to update it soon or so *if i have some time*
and im still waiting for my NYX USA orders and Etude House orders (:
www.i-smudgemylips.blogspot.com
LOTS OF LOVE , LOVERS (:
XOXO ,
BEVERLY (:

WARNINGGGGGG !

2011-08-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

i am yours to keep (:

2011-08-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

POST HOLIDAY THERAPY

2011-08-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

ORDERED SOME ETUDE HOUSE STUFF (: estimation of arrival : 6sept :D seriously cant wait ;)

i am so broke right now fyi , i spend like 1thou on it :( blah
i promise that i will give you guys some proper reviews.
xoxo bevv

2011-08-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

GILBERT HANSON ,

ILOVEYOU ;)

2011-08-11T05:05:00.000-07:00

GilHNSN♥
icantexplainwhybutiamprettymuchinlovewithyou
lets runaway together (;

beauty haul (:

2011-08-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

Guys , i decided to post about some not-so-beauty-haul i've been using recently :)
So , i have a dry flaky skin around my U zone *my cheeks* , and super oily skin around my T zone. it was not a big problem for me since my skin started to get better and better each and everyday , but sure it was a damn big problem for my grandma LOL so she started to wasted some money on skin care product or so. Moving on to the main topic my skin was kinda dull , and i've tried some product before, not mentioning some of them was a big disaster for me *yawn* and ive been changing my skin care product for ... idk how many times , i lost count .

my first "not-so-beauty-haul" would be ..

SEBAMED ANTI - PIMPLE GEL
er , i bought this stuff years ago , i guess when i was on grade 6 or 5 i forgot *my first pimple was one of the awkward phase on my life* x_x and it doesnt suit me well . it have a gell consistency , and its stated there that its free from oil and emulsifiers . But , for me , the product itself contain a lot of chemical peelings , that can dry your skin to the climax . My face produces more and more pimples each day after i use this product . Since each people have a different skin type , i wouldnt say that this is the right product for me .

CLEAN AND CLEAR
Clean and Clear was another well known product , for teenager on my age , around 10-18 years old i guess . Many people was sooooo in love with this product , but i cant seems to find the right reasons . The clean and clear facial wash have this creamy consistency , but it doesnt clean my face that "well" . i tried to used the toner also , and it feels cakey in a weird way a bit slimmyyyy :s since i played basketball , tennis and other major spot , cleansing foam was the most important part of my skin care routine , and clean&clear failed to "do the task". The pimple gel was not helping either . and my skin got worseeeeeeeeee :(

er , a lot of products ive been using , and its kinda hard for me to review all if them on one post blahh . Pardon me for being too lazy to be true ;) . ill promise all of you that i will do an apropriate review on all of the product ive been using (:

dear sam , the moon and you

2011-08-06T23:15:00.001-07:00

Dear sam ,

The moon. I have always been drawn to it. Connected, in some inexplicable way. A silent kinship. There’s the moon, asking to stay. All my life, I’ve regarded it with a solemn reverence. For the tempestuous storm it brews. The ebb and flow. Love, lust, and longing. Sorrow and anguish. Strength and hope. Brazen resilience. An image of change. Of life itself. Birth and death and rebirth. Continuous incontinuity. Everything amounts to this enormous beauty I know I will never fully be able to grasp. In all this, the moon reflects the heart of life. The kaleidoscope flux of the soul. The moon. It’s a cause for introspection. A mirror of who I have been, and a promise of who I can become.

I changed when you came into my life. Time and experience had left me rough around the edges. I learned to get on, without needing anything or anyone else. I never wanted to be different or try and be better for any other person. But then you happened. You showed me what it was to love. How beautiful it could be to share something like that with another person. And then I wanted to be better for you all of the time. For some reason, I was never able to do it. It took losing you for me to realise what an awful person I had become by the end of our relationship. I couldn’t see it then, the way I do now. The truth is that I mistreated you. I was selfish, unreasonable, and immature. You did not deserve it. I need you to know how sorry I am for who I was. I want you to know that I know I was unfair to you, and that I regret it deeply. For as much as I loved you, I never ever should have treated you the way I did. I am so sorry. I don’t know how or why I became that person, but she isn’t someone I would recognize now.

When our relationship ended, I found myself down a passage of self-reflection, the depth of which I had never before traversed. I had to come to terms with the faults and weaknesses I began to see within me. I realised that I had neglected a lot of people in my life. I had spent most of my life unable to see anything beyond my own stupid hang ups. I was so self-involved and intent on shutting out the rest of the world, that I had failed to give those I loved what they deserved from me. I don’t think I truly understood what guilt felt like until that point.

I used to think a lot about the people I didn't have in my life anymore. Of those, there were some that the circumstances of life took from me, and others that I let fall away. It was faith that made me believe that you would never become one of those people. I had spent too much time grieving over the ones who had left, and I reminded myself to be grateful for those that remained. I always tried to make sure I appreciated your presence in my life. I guess somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. I’ve learned too much from life to ever make that mistake again. When we were together, it was because of you that I wanted to be a better person. Throughout your absence, that sentiment remains. And I owe it to you. You were always there for me. I don’t have words to express how much you’ve taught me about love, faith, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you.

The last thing I want to tell you is how much you meant to me. I will never forget our time together. You changed my life. And if I know anything at all, it’s that what we had was real. My love for you was true. And I loved you the best way I knew how. I haven’t said it with a lot of words or any poeticism, but there it is. As honest as I can say it.

2011-08-06T23:13:00.001-07:00

PUPPY LOVE :)

I NEVER THOUGHT :'(

2011-08-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

I never thought I could ache with hurt while laughing out loud to our inside jokes

I never thought I'd imagine slapping your face yet desperately yearn for another embrace

I never thought I'd brush your arm while walking alongside you and be happy over that little

I never thought I'd be warm in the May sun and be chilled to the bone by your indifference

I never thought I'd be alone with you in an elevator but feel like I'm with a stranger
in a foreign land

I never thought I'd be asked to leave where I was once begged and stalled to stay

I never thought I'd be waiting for you to get here instead of planning our separate arrivals

I never thought I'd end up with nothing after careful months of hiding everything

Here I am, one passionate, dramatic, tiring, exciting, extravagant, boring,
predictable, spontaneous, chaotic, secretive, on-and-off year later, marked
by two break-ups connected by one make-up-  all "my fault" and your choices.

In many ways you are my biggest Regret.

The only gift I got from you was freedom from the gray, lonely, confusing
state of Purgatory you tried to keep our relationship in.

I ALWAYS thought I'd tell everyone that told me so, "You told me so"

And yet...

I NEVER thought I'd miss someone I saw everyday.

2011-08-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

this might sound as silly as hell ,

BUT I WANNA DO BORING THINGS WITH YOU !

2011-08-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

a new love can be like the first winter snow , cool and refreshing (;

2011-08-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

YOU GOT ME SMILLING ON MY SLEEP (:

dear you , brutal crush

2011-08-06T08:55:00.001-07:00

Dear You.

I had a brutal crush on you but I said to myself I wouldn't do anything about it. When I heard about you and another girl though, I thought it's now or never. So I simply walked to where you were and since then there has only been you.

You make me laugh so much and you awakens every butterfly in me.

But in every relationship we have - with girls, boys, friends - sooner or later we argue. And suddenly it all feels so fragile.

What will happen now?
How much does he like me?
Will this end what's between us?
Wow, there's so many things I still don't know about him.
Will he hurt me?
Will he say things that makes me cry?
If I stay now, will he take me in his arms if I get sad?
If I go now, will he call me tomorrow?
Gosh, WHY do I have to be so emotional?
Does he think I'm too sensitive?
Is this about what he said about things going so fast?
Wait - it was "so fast", not "too fast", right? Damn. I can't remember.
What does he want me to say when he tells me that?
But if he meant it in a bad way, why would he also tell me he doesn't want to be with anyone else?
I hope that part wont change now when we argue.
Is he as scared of all those feelings as I am?
I wish I was a mindreader.
What was we even arguing about?
Oh, I remember. Are we really having an argue about that?
Well, I guess this learns us that both are really stubborn.
I don't want him over there. I want him to be closer.
Will he reject me if I ask for a kiss instead of talking about whatever we think different about?

I really want you. I really like you. But I don't tell you that tonight. Instead I'm doing what I know is wrong - I'm walking away, I'm going home. Because even if we're having an incredible time, I don't really know you and your thoughts and if you think "us" is happening too fast instead of so fast, I don't want to hear it tonight. Each day I want to have you one more day so me liking you as much as I do is really freaking me out.

And to all of you whose hearts are aching by liking someone and not doing anything about it - what are you still doing here? Go tell them, go take a shot, go fall in love!
Sometimes you have to give life a push and hope that it's the right time and place and that both are ready for what may come. The worst thing that can happen isn't even that bad - if he/she doesn't feel the same at least you will feel awesome about telling them how special they are.
But if everything goes well, it can be amazing.

Remember though - your heart will ache anyway, because you're so scared to screw it all up and the feeling you get by the thought of losing something great is almost as awful as not having it at all.

Lots of love to all of you!

2011-08-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

WHEN IT IS THE RIGHT TIME , IT WILL COME (:

reaching for the dark (:

2011-08-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

it's so strange. and yes, I know it's not the first time this has been discussed. and this one, when it really comes down to it, will be no different from the others. but its another one of those times when this little part of my life that I have controlled so it won’t consume me, starts bubbling up again. I don’t know why, little things start it, get me thinking again.

I'm not saying i am not loved, because I really am - but not that way. not in the way that is different from anything else and can make you feel the way that nothing else can. I wonder what it’s like to know you are loved that way. it fascinates me because it is completely foreign to me. its like imagining what it would feel like to be weightless in a rocketship on its way to the moon. unfathomable until you actually experience it. and, for one reason or another, it seems as though I am not cut out to be an astronaut.

People want me, but not enough. not enough to take it past the initial thrill of it. and I know how it works, oh I’ve seen it hundreds of times. heard it, watched it.. just not in the first person that's all. its always looking behind glass windows, doors, at the others who have found it. and even though sometimes its fleeting, short-lived, its still real. I wonder about the day when I will be the one people are watching.

I have all of these things I want to do before I die; ride in a hot air balloon, learn to play guitar, see the statue of liberty, silly things like that. but more than any of those things, I would like to experience the feeling of being completely and utterly loved. in a way that not your parents, your best friend nor your sister loves you. but the love you get from someone that you feel the same about. maybe thats the silliest of all, but to me it is the most important.

I don’t know. I really truly don’t know, as I’ve said a thousand times before and will probably continue saying until I get my answer - if I get an answer. sometimes it seems as though i'm reaching in the dark, for something i know must be there but its just so hard to find.

I still hold on to a tiny thread of hope that one day it’ll hit me over the head and I’ll just stand there baffled and realize I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for, for as long as I can remember. but I also keep my head just below the clouds because the only thing worse for me than never finding what you’ve been looking for would be to constantly wait for it when it never comes.

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied

-XOXO BEVV-

2011-08-06T05:49:00.000-07:00

DEAR HEART ,

SO THERES THIS ONE GUY THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIKE , BUT I DONT WANT TO .

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEATING SO FAST WHEN HE COMES BY?

honey , we were so cliche (:

2011-08-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

We are so cliche. We finish eachother's sentences, sometimes I think you're a mind reader.

I cannot count the times in a day we say the words "I love you" yet this countless amount never seems like it's enough. I love you infinity past beyond, because this love really does transcend this universe. Your love for me makes me grow childish-a feeling more amazing than could be described- for while everyone is busy trying to grow up and move on, you bring out the joyful youth in me. You've reminded me what being happy is and have shown me that I've been missing out on happiness for far too long. The first time you told me how you felt - that you loved me - my heart seemed to melt and overflow my ribcage. This was a feeling like no other. People say they get butterflies around "that" someone, that they feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that their heart just melts as it is overcome by such a strong and pure emotion. I doubted that possibility, laughed a bit at how cliche it seemed. I mean of course I'd fantasized about the possibility, but I never thought I could feel that way so literally. When we first started talking, you promised you'd never fall for me or see me as anything more than a friend because I was frustrated with the guys in my life who couldn't just be my friend. I thought I just needed a friend. But what I needed was you.

And darling, we are the best promise you could ever break.

We are so cliche. We fawn over eachother, constantly declaring our love and proclaiming every possible reason why our love is the perfect love. We'd get so deep into these conversations of outpouring affection but then try and pull ourselves out, for fear of being too cliche.

Because that's what I do when I see you, or hear you or read something you write. I smile. You always give me that instasmile. You are the sunshine in my life when I'm a stormy cloud, so together we create a rainbow. And that will never make us cheesy.

HONEYYY WE WERE SOOOOOOO CLICHE ;)

i want to lalalaa love you

2011-08-06T04:47:00.000-07:00

Everyday I tell myself that your not longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean a god damn thing to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.

I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? How can you manage to go from 1000 to 0. Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love. Love you.

Love.

2011-08-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

Love comes along when you least expect it to, and that all this cliché stuff is absolutely true. Your heart can skip a beat. You are able to get weak in your knees. You can fall in love at young age, and the feelings can stay there FOREVER

PLANS FOR YOU

2011-08-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

PLANS FOR YOU , LETS SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER AND AGE , BUT NEVER GET OLD ;)

FAIRY TALE (:

2011-08-06T04:16:00.000-07:00

"WE WERE SO FAIRYTALE THAT IY MAKES PEOPLE SICK"

EXPECTING GREAT THINGS

2011-07-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

i could hide my heart away in a little box , while my heart may never be hurt . i have done that before and i'm finished. i am swinging for the fences , i am looking to live the dream . Could it end up being squashed like a bug? sure . i may never live the dream , but i am going to swing over the fences , and i am expecting great things.

Dear Heart , i think i am in love .

2011-07-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

I do not know you well, but what I know.
Enchants me, like a song sung far away.

I cannot hear the words, but what they say.
Hangs softly on the hills where I must go.

This love brings me sweet pain, but I want more,
Driven by a dream I can't control.

I want the truth of you, untamed and whole;
In frantic hope I haunt your open door.

It's amazing how I feel when I'm around you,
How my heart pounds when you come into a room.
I look at you and think: im in love with you
And everything I am bursts into bloom.

I feel as though you must, you must be mine,
Not as a possession but a goal,
Something almost unimaginable:
The free devotion of another soul.

As though I were about to enter heaven.
Or just within the hour condemned to die,
My mind with one fierce thought keeps running over,
With you, and only you, the reason why.

*takken by me , auntie's handwriting , you will always have the key to my heart ;)*

THE SIMPLICITY OF LOVE

2011-07-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

This little love not has no image. It was a text message. One that woke me up this morning. It is beautiful. It should be shared. Sometimes I just love the simplicity of love.

"Plan for you, lets spend our lives together and age, but never get old."

i want to fall in love with you ...

2011-07-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

*taken somewhere near my apartment (; credit goes to my auntiee :)*

I want to fall in love with you.

No special reason behind it. I just do. As you probably know, I've been wanting a boyfriend for months now, but Lady Luck hasn't been on my side. There were a couple of guys who came along, but neither of them were my idea of boyfriend material.

I'm not saying you are, but I realized I quite like you, and that makes all the difference. See, I don't remember much about you

I probably shouldn't have initiated the online conversation that led to this. By this, I mean this—all this talking we do through text, sometimes through chat.

I mean, it's probably nothing.

But I must admit I've been deriving some sort of felicity from our correspondence.

Which is probably wrong. We're friends, aren't we? For me, at least, we are. I'm too scared to ask you anything because it might put you off and cause you to distance yourself from me, so I hold myself back from throwing stupid questions in your direction and plague myself instead with torturous what-ifs lacking definite answers.

I want to fall in love with you. The want in this statement implies a consciousness on my part, a decision waiting to be made. Should I jump or shouldn't I?

I really don't know.

I've been trying to weigh the pros and the cons, but I have trouble organizing the chaos in my head, so I still haven't arrived at a conclusion. Only one thing has been fully established so far: I like you. And, inevitably, I find myself hoping you'd like me too.

When such hope begins to burn in my system, I panic. And for good reason. I am putting myself in a vulnerable position because of this hope. Don't I always say that hope leads to heartbreak? And I honestly believe that. Slowly, I am becoming attached to the experience of getting good morning messages from you, of being said good night to. Then I wonder if it's you or if it's the attention I am snagging from you that has this warm feeling circling in my chest. Twice I had thanked you for your attention, and twice you'd jokingly called me emo for it. I really do appreciate it though.

I'm overanalyzing things, I know. It would be much easier to just ask you, of course, but it's too risky to do so. Besides, we've only just been talking for a week, so what the hell, right? I'm scared of freaking you out, so I'll shut up for now.

And I know you probably won't get to read this but I'm writing it anyway, just to get the shit off my head even just for a second.

I want to fall in love with you.

But according to societal norms, it's too early for love so I will like you for now. I'll make an attempt to extinguish the tiny flicker of hope buried under my skin, but I'll hold on to the possibility of you getting me a pack of Life Savers, just as you said you would.

That day, when I finally saw you again, my heart raced I couldn't help fidgeting with my phone. Games are a good distraction so I consumed the remaining time trying to beat a tough level in a game called Taiko no Tatsujin. You said I looked like I wanted to smash my phone against a wall. I probably looked retarded. I wish I were cute instead.

I don't remember much about you, but I don't think I can forget you now.

I want to go out with you on a movie date or something. Hang out with you at an empty parking lot and talk to you about the stupidest things. But I can't ask you out. I'm not brave enough. Not because I'm scared of rejection but because it might mean having to give up on the inside joke involving mouthwash and the poring faced emoticon. And more than being rejected, it's losing these things that keep me from popping the question.

And then there's you. I mean, this has been all about me, me, me so far, so let's talk about you. You do have someone you like, don't you? Maybe someone you love, even. Of course, I'm only making assumptions, and if there's one piece of advice I get told often by my friends, it's to stop assuming. Easier said than done, though.

This is so damn complicated.

I want to fall in love with you.

And if this keeps up, I might just do
.xoxo , BEVV

THE PAST its not over , yet .

2011-07-21T07:52:00.001-07:00

I did start too believe that I was over you... Things were going good, I was somewhat a little happier than I have been in weeks.

Then you have to text me.... you said ‘happy new year, hope you get all you deserve x’ doesn’t sound a big deal, I know, but to me it is, the last time we spoke you was awful to me,

I was horrible back and we left it at that, and then you text me, it bought memories, feelings and heartache back to the surface.

I wish you never texted me, because I realised that I actually aren’t fully over you and I’m starting to hate the fact that I do miss you, I don’t want to miss you anymore.
You have hurt me so much... you pushed me out of your life like I wasn’t worth it, carried on to crush me into little pieces each day, and you just didn’t have a care in the world.

You promised me our future, you promised you would never leave me, you promised that you would never hurt me, but you broke them promises as quick as you made them.

Guess i was just silly to believe them.
So even though part of me does still love you, and part of me probably always will... right now i just can’t bring myself to forgive you. I’m sorry.
Sometimes, I wish things was different between us, that we made it through our problems, that i grabbed our last shot at being happy, that i didn’t let you go but it’s too late now.

I’m starting to believe that we are better off apart, plus you have a new girlfriend, you told me yourself and I said I didn’t care...

Truth is saying I didn’t care was so much easier then admitting that I’m hurt.

Me and you, us, doesn’t exist anymore, they say everything happens for a reason, so maybe we are better off apart and this is for the best.

I want you to know and i hope you do know, that I did love you, I really did, with everything I had, it was always just you, you had my heart, just you.

I tried so hard at times, i know i should of tried all the time, but you should of done as well, we both gave up on each other in the end. I am sorry.

trying to find some "hope" in "hopeless" ..

2011-07-20T03:39:00.000-07:00

I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you.

But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.

Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.

THREE WORDS

2011-07-20T01:04:00.000-07:00

I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain, but someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know. You know, more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel. Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever twist so far that it could begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

Things i secretly love about my EX ;)

2011-07-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

Decided to post this , but it doesnt mean that i am still in love with my ex :p

The way you stared at me when I close my eyes, then you closed your eyes and I stared at you

How perfectly your hand fit in mine

How you seemed so strong on the outside, but I could tell you were so sweet on the inside

The way you said I love you, because you sounded so shy

How during that first time we were alone, when we held hands and talked for hours and finally kissed after so long

How you were so interested in my life and what I was doing

How you remembered everything I said to you perfectly

When you texted me randomly (as little as that may be)

When you told me I’m one of the most perfect girls you’ve ever met

How you were too shy to hold my hand, in case I didn’t want you to

The awkward moments - because they weren’t really awkward at all

Sitting at the table with your family and enjoying myself and you

Taking photo booth pictures with you and you made the best faces I’ve ever seen

How you told me I looked great every time we saw each other - despite how untrue I thought it was

How even on the coldest nights, you lent me your sweater

How much you have passions for things

Your laugh/smile

How you always made fun of me - I secretly loved it

What a loser you are, because I am too

How you admitted defeat and say sorry when I wouldn’t let you win a fight

The way you made the butterflies in my stomach flutter every time I saw your smile

How much you made me love you.

But now they are things of the past, since we broke up. I’m slowly getting over every one of these ways I loved you by replacing them with things I don’t like about you.;)

Dear Sam , When I Think Of You

2011-07-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

When I think about you not being here with me (I actually think about you all the time), it makes me sick to my stomach. I miss you so much it physically hurts. Whenever I talk about you, I feel a knot in my throat. I can't picture myself with anyone but you. And time goes by and does it's cray thing but, how I feel doesn't change, it never goes away, even when I hate you for leaving me, for not loving me enough, it doesn't weather. How I cried myself to sleep wishing I could feel you close to me one more time. How I wish I could just stop feeling because it hurts so much. I want to move on, I want to walk away and just remember you every now and then as someone I was fond of. I'm tired and frustrated because I don't understand you, I don't know what it is that you want or feel... sometimes I think you don't even know that yourself. I can go and conquer the world and make my wildest dreams come true but, in the end you are not here. I feel as if I lost a part of me, you took and I want it back. I play it cool, I cry when no one sees me, I dream of you. I'm in hell.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

Struggling for love ..

2011-07-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

i have been struggling for four years what some people struggle their entire lives with, being in love with someone you cant seem to be with. I have come to realize in these past four years, that love is not as hard as some people make it to be. When you are in the infinite state of infatuation, a feeling no word or emotion could ever come close to describing, you feel as though this life is worth living. And when you lose it, its unreal. Its a pain i cant describe. Every muscle in my body tenses and my heart pounds so hard i feel like it will kill me. The thing i have learned most, is that this pain proves to me that my heart and felt a happiness i may never feel again. I now know from my suffering that the time period in which i did feel this happiness was worth it. There are few moments in life in which i believe we find true happiness, a moment in which everything stands still and every emotion thought or worry is gone, and your a single soul floating in a world of ecstasy. Its a feeling i wouldnt trade for anything. There is no real conclusion to this, because its undescribable. I do know, that this pain i have felt, this feeling of hopelessness only shows me, i did once fall in love. And every ounce of faith in me, is devoted to the thought of reliving the happiness. I will always have hope.

Day 2 ;)

2011-07-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

WOOOO , day 2 of my new school . its nice thou kinda sucks . its superduper hard for me to concentrate since this guy sitting in front of me was ... blabbing all day long , thanks god he have a nice look , or it takes 5 minutes only from my hands to say hello to his face :D . stressing out due to the assignment , projects and OH that damn igcse check points. God bless my freaking mind . amen ;)

im not searching for love, im waiting for love.

2011-07-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

My life has been short but I have already learned quite a bit about love... through personal experience, through seeing others I know love. Some love and lose, some lose someone they might have loved and luckily some love each other forever. I think about that one or many loves constantly, always hoping I don't miss my chance. My fear of never finding that love has made me create an unattainable goal in my head: find the perfect guy you will find the perfect relationship and you will get the perfect life. That whole scenario is what I've been looking for.

But I have realized That kind of perfectness does not exist in a person. It exists in a connection, a relationship. That is what love is. Love is that person who isn't necessarily perfect, but it perfect for you.

They say real love comes when you aren't searching for it. I used to think that it was absurd to say that because most everyone is searching for love; and many do find it. But of all those people I know, who I've watched love, though it may not have lasted forever, I've realized one thing. They all loved. There isn't a person I know who could end their life saying they haven't loved. The moment I realized that was the moment I stopped searching. I stopped searching for that perfect guy, for that perfect relationship, for that perfect life.

i am no longer searching , but waiting . Cause i know he will come ..

Felt Like This

2011-07-19T07:32:00.001-07:00

Let the water take us away,
As our medals turn to rust.
Sinking, not a single word to say,
Invested, our words are for trust.

I have nothing,
Nothing but you.
I can tell you that just means
That I have everything to lose.

Our fire burns,
The statues crumble.
Your sleep ceases from your turns,
You get up but refuse to stumble.

I never know if this is true,
I whisper I love you.
You turn away,
I wonder what could do.

Finally finding words to say,
But you never wanted to hear them.
I can’t unsay these words,
“I’m not okay.”

40 things i forgot to tell you

2011-07-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

40 THINGS I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMEHOW ..

40 THINGS IM GOING TO TELL "MR-SOMEONE-IN-MY-FUTURE" (:

1. God. School. Family. 3 most important things in my life
2. I will do everything to be someone my parents could be proud of , turn to me and says "thats our girl". Even if it means giving you up.
3. But then again, I don't want to lose you.
4. I want you to be happy Comfortable with me. Honest with me.
Tell me everything that bugs you, even if it is about me.
5. I much rather have a Edward Cullen the vampire, Enrique Iglesias,Bruno Mars, or John Mayer. But I much rather have you.
6. My parents will love you. When the right time has come.
7. I want my parents to know about us. I don't like lying to you. I don't like lying to them.
8. I'm scared to death with commitment. I will never cheat on you and stuff like that.
But deep down inside, I'm still a crazy singleton.
9. Sundays. A day for God and I. My other lover.
10. Saturdays. A day for you and I. My other lover.
11. The only time I ever lied to you was going to be the day you told me you loved me and didn't want to let me go. I told you I had 3 chocolate caramel bears, and ate them all already. I actually had 4.
12. If anything goes wrong with us, promise me that we will be friends.
I hate the awkwardness. It felt like I've lost my best friend.
13. Please, tell me when I start talking or rambling too much.
I'm never as happy with anyone else but you.
14. You are the first guy I'm this involved with.
15. You are the first guy i have serious relationship with, without me saying "this is an open relationship".
16. I rejected dozens of invites to watch that movie, because I wanted to watch it with you.
17. I hate hate hate awkwardness, have i mentioned this ? beg me pardon lol.
18. I'm suppose to be doing my homework or study something right now. Not writing this note for you.
19. I'm scared of hurting you. Whether I accidentally bit you while we kissed (just kidding take it easy),
or hurting your feelings.
20. I want you to do what you want to do, not for me. For yourself.
21. This relationship isn't going to start out as smoothly as you think.
I'm the worst girlfriend anyone can have, but I'll learn.
22. I want to date other guys, eventually.
23. I think I love you.
24. If you ever think something is wrong with me, and don't feel comfortable asking me, just get me drunk.
25. I can't do long-distance relationships. But there is always a thing called trying.
26. When I'm angry, it is school and PMS talking.
27. I do anniversaries. Phone calls. Text messages. MSN. Facebook and Stuff

28. I still haven't asked you why you love me.
29. You have to wait until your birthday to know why I love you.
30. I actually like your dimple.
31. I like PDA. But it's sexier when no one is watching us.
32. I don't mind friends knowing about us. I do mind if you, or I, are going to get into trouble.
33. Remember our priorities. Everyone and everything else first. Then us.
34. Tell me what you want for your birthday. You are a very picky person.
And that's one of the many reasons why I love you.
35. I will write things like this, on this crappy cheap paper, whether you like it or not.
36. If I'm angry at you, don't worry. I WILL tell you.
The good thing is that I can never be angry with you.
37. We can compromise. I'm not expecting much from this relationship,
but you have to be honest with me.
38. I want to know what you want out of this relationship.
39. I don't know how long our relationship will last.
40. I'm scared to hell right now because I love you.

Dear Sam , another 100 words you should know

2011-07-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

At first I was afraid I was petrified, Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side... Remember that song? It takes a left turn while my life with you takes a right. After all these years, I feel I wouldn't survive without you. Maybe I could carry on, but I don't even want to consider the possibility. You've got the key to my heart and I can't think of ever changing that lock. If you threw away the key, I would survive, but it would take all the strength I have not to fall apart.

THE STORRIES OF US LOOKS A LOT LIKE A TRAGEDY NOW

First Day Of School ;)

2011-07-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

So , yeshh . sup guys .

decided to blabbb about my new school . Despite the ... "long-skirt-uniform" , there's not much problem. I feel like a dumbo thou for not taking the mandarin test today :'( , but thanks God , cause of that i met some nice seniors :D Alex, Kenny , er Stefan and ... *pardon me i didnt remember some of their names* its was maura, or so . blah . exhausted cause my driver's late , and i took a stairs to my class :'( but the positive side should be ... burning more calories eh ? lol .

HOPE TOMORROW's GOING to BE BETTER !

could hardly wait to meet shania at school ;)

oh and yesh , i met someone looking like a duplicate of sam's with better appearances .

XOXO BEVV .

Like its my LAST ):

2011-07-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

So , dont ask me why im sitting here and posting this , instead ask me why you guys are SUPERBLY important for me (:

I've learned that: Goodbyes will always hurt, pictures will never replace being there, thanks is a feeble word, memories Forget the hard times, words can never replace feelings, and hero's often go unsung.

warning : this post is going to be .. a longgg longggg longggg post !

*pardon me for the bad qualities pics lol*

7A♥

You will never know how good your friends are until you have to say goodbye when you leave them .

Fieldtrip , Snowbay (?) fely & yenny

*from left to right* Janet Fay, Yenoi Fay , Indri , me , & Endy Gay *whoops lol*

Angeline"sipit" Lie bebehh x)

The "guys" include jacy ;) *from left to right* Garry, Marcello, JC, Derric

"NOOOOOO WE'RE GOING TO CRASH JANET ! SAVE UR LIFEEE"

*from left to right* arief, paras, KYG, Aldio

arief: "malang nya nasibkuu .." *ngedangdut*

paras: "do i look like jbiebs? seriously , this girl keep on taking picts of me"

young gi : "begini nasibbb jadi bujangan, jreng jrengjrengg"

Aldio: "bokeppp yokk nntn"

lol no hard feelings x)

"KimYoungGi : am i handsome enough ? wait wait , imma POSE like a PRO"

*im dead if he find out bout this lol*

TRIO KWEK KWEK - nat-car-kimb

Nelson : "i close my eyes , and i can see a better day .. i close my eyes , and prayy"

"so, whats up girls ? do i look hot when i act like jb? no way ! im hotter baby!"

1,2, 3 , SAY CHEESE AND BACONN ..

err , what ? lol

7A: fely, janet, austin ,angel ,flo , lee hyunh minh, yenny , jc , sammy , derric , Philo paz Patrick Armand , and .. i could hardly remember lol :p

8C♥

"im bringing sexy back , YEAHHH " "dear 8c, yesterday i went to the doctor , and he told me i got a dissease name bieber fever. until i realise i was poisoned by dr bieber itself" "we got a certificate on how to party properly" "teach me how to douggie teach me how to douggie" "family tree: aniq ali : MOM , kimyounggi: Auntiee, Sebastian : Daddy"

Fieldtrip , The Junggle. *from left to right* me, yenoi,angel, stella,janet, and sam;)
*picture credit goes to Ray baboy*

8c, the wholeeee class , picture credit goes to Isa

last day of school .

now , im going to post straight forward , about how 8c .. spent their last day , doing nothing but PARTYINGGG AND SHUFFLIN ;)

the way we MOVE , cause you should be a pro once you learn from "us" lol .

throw ur hands up ;) candid , megh-wend-yen

fely-angel-aus-me-jan , picture credit goes to sam

feli-megh-yenoi

megh-ngel-jan-moaa

2 more things about 8c ..nomor1: hubungan cewe sama cowo nya tuh benci tapi rindu gitu loh . kalo ga berantem , ngajak berantem . kalo lagi berantem , diem" an ujung" nya pasti kangen tapi jual mahal . LOL nomor2: WE LOVE FOOD ! ga ada yg pantang diet ato makan ;) semua nya pemakan apapunnn . kebayang kan kalo fieldtrip kita pesen 13 piring HAHA

SAM's BIRTHDAY BASH :)

from 8c , with loveee ..

BABOY LAHAR♥

"Yesterday brought the beginings, tomorrow brings the end , and somewhere in the middle , we became the best of friends."

PlazaSenayan , somewhere around and after the monthly test.

fave pict of ray so far lol :p

damdamdam , my best curhat buddies :D

omnomnomomnom , aldy , ray , ref

Yamaha Music Contest or something , yes , indeed i have a bad memories . x(

Ray won th 5th place or so \m/

Ray - Refaldi - Ryandi

Somewhere around the surprise birthday party bash for Refaldi \m/

Dapur Coklat , special request with guitar ornament , HAPPY 14 BIRTHDAY !
*picture credits goes to my special dude , Carl Earvine*

with the dudes and dudettes from national plus

picture takken , after being FORCED . blah :p

omnomomonom , 3 April 1997 , a handsome guy named Refaldi Wiryanto was born lol

sadly , i didnt save a pict of me with Timothy HenryBaboy on my lappy, but whatsoever , he's the only baboy who's not a "gamer" or "game freak" or whatsoever x( thanks God for that :D

So , if i leave tomorrow, will you guys remember me ? :(

the dudes and duddetesss♥

the "playground" the "cafe" dude x) yesh yesh . pardon me for being ... un-normal ;)

me & big bro , jinwoo jay :p

secret farewell with hyung minh LOL takken @ xbux GI :) credit goes to his big bro i guess , crap i forgot :0

me-jeth-tamarameili lol

*pok ame ame belalang kupu kupu , siang makan nasi kalo malam minum susu*

Derric: YEAAAYYY GW MENANGG

Endy: ah gatau ah .. kalah bikin aku nyesek dan galau :( *mata di bikin sendu dan seimut mungkin*

omnomnom , BERPELUKKAANNN , dan yg lain menjauh extreme dari jangkauan kamera -_-

lau&flo

Endy : "ambil gambar gw , gw tonjok tuh kamera sampe rusak"

Tamara: " HUH KAMU GA PERNAH NGERTIIN AKU !"

Yenny&Derric: "BERANTEMMM ! BERANTEEMM "

me: "im the cameraa guy B)

"eh kita manjat ini yukk . siapa tau ada duit di pasir" ituu"

edwin-young gi

baby , i am proud of being short ;)

me-lau

shoes shoes shoes , me-lau-yen-nels

well , yesh indeed , im regretting now that i didnt manage to take some pic with carl >:o hes the random dude !

SENIORS

We picked up our caps and gowns and all that senior stuff that's supposed to help us remember the good 'ole days, but some of the things that you remember most can't be put on paper.

be es - brian

ko dit

and other seniors, im seriously tired of uploading the pics lol .

my main point is , thankyouuu sooooo much for giving me 2 years filled with wonderfull memories ;)

xoxo, bevv

LOL

Dear Sam , no news and i wish .

2011-07-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

I haven't heard from you in a while, and I'm wondering what's up with you. Maybe you're also wondering, because the silence has been deafening on both ends. Yes, it's entirely not-so-possible that you're also wondering, but that doesn't serve any purpose, does it?

You know what they say about no news being good news? That's such a load of crap, and we both know it. No news is apathy, disinterest, or a simple declaration that we never really cared much about each other to begin with.

In my case, there's nothing furthest from the truth, I care a lot about you and you mean something special to me. Otherwise, I don't suppose I'd be sitting here wondering and pondering about the current state of affairs. Still, the current state of affairs is what it is, a silent statement that I don't really care. Or, as I come to realize while I finally try to frame a letter to you, silence may mean that I care too much.

That could be it, much as I dread to admit it. As I sit here today to analyze my motives, I find that my reasons are beyond apathy and disinterest, and go into the realm of safety.

To be honest, I think I was being a chicken and I admit that I was taking the coward's way out. If I didn't write to you, you can't not answer, you can not have other more important things to worry about, you can't not care, because I was there first. So I let time go by without contact to justify what? That I stopped caring about you first? That I experienced disinterest first? If I beat you at feeling completely disinterested, then the secrets that lurk at the back of my mind, untold, will never have to be told, I will never have to put myself in a position of potential rejection, I will not have to bear the cross of your own disinterest.

So I didn't do anything to remedy the situation. I just kept wondering, as if I could do nothing but wild guess what's going on with you. As the days went by, it became increasingly difficult to find any reason to stop this chosen silence and write to you, every day that passed seemed to give me new reasons to keep away, the tick of the clock reinforced the belief that there's no good and genuine reason to bother you with my nonsense.

And, in truth, there aren't many reasons, not really, just an indisputable and worthy one, that I miss you something fierce, that my connection with you is as important as breathing in my life, that there can't be peace of mind for me while I'm heavy hearted, missing you.

That should have been all the reason I ever needed, but that realization only served to zip up, close shop, go away. When did it start being an impediment instead of a prompt? I just... I was scared to admit this type of attachment, because I was, am, terrified to have you know how important you are to me.

I'm honestly not sure when it happened, when I shifted from charmed and charming to scared and boring, what brought on this fear. When did I start being ashamed of my feelings for you? I don't know how it happened, but we both know that I'm a lousy liar, especially if it's myself I'm trying to fool. So eventually I had to wonder who I was trying to justify this disinterest to, I was certainly not convincing myself, peace didn't come, and I just grew more anguished every day.

I miss you, so very much. As I type, I'm forced to admit that I'm scared of what I'm finally sharing with you. I'm oppressed by a heavy weight right now, because it's so possible and such a real perspective that you never sent news because you don't even remember me. And wouldn't that be pathetic? Wouldn't it be so very ridiculous, that I'm now finally baring my soul and you don't even know that I'm in the world, torn for missing you.

All along, I suppose I was scared of revealing too much, and I guess that at some point I stopped being certain of how to string words together that showed a real interest in your life but didn't show what I was hiding, even from myself. I should have written to you sooner, I should have had the foresight to avoid going down this path, this forced analysis of what's keeping me away, this cul de sac where the only way out is the truth.

Did I fool you with my silence? Did you also watch the days go by in your calendar without news from me, and wondered what was up with me? Did my inaction, my keeping away, validate your taking the same path? Or, for you, is it that you really don't care?

I wish I'd been wiser, I wish I hadn't fallen into this trap of my own creation. No news? I wish.

"ALL GUYS ARE JERKS. BUT THEY GET HOTTER WITH AGE AS WE LEARN TO BE MORE TOLERANT"

Dear Sam,100 precise words to explain those 3 words , iloveyou :)

2011-07-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

I don't need one hundred words to tell you that I love you, but I need more than the three words it really takes. As whole as 'I love you' sounds, it just doesn't say enough. It doesn't say how I hunger for you, how I breath through you, how I smell what you smell, how I see the world through your eyes, how I hurt when you hurt, how I laugh with your smile, how my heart is shaped around yours. I need you to hear all this when I tell you that I love you.

"CINDERELLA DID NOT GOOGLE PRINCE CHARMING"

SUPP GUYSS ! :D

2011-07-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

So, yesh . i just got back from my new school . im living my new life , with my new school and a new friends . Although im not so sure if it was a good idea . im loving the sailor uniform though (Y) it was superb when its being compared to my old school uniform . Got this stuff called MOS or so tomorrow , so um yeah WISH ME LUCKKK :D and THANKS GRANNY :* much love !

IM HAPPY BUT IM FEELING SOO ,

WHATEVER RIGHT NOW .

YESSSHHH .

xoxo bevv

Dear Sam , all of this love letter-was not a love letter

2011-07-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

i was on my bed now trying to lay down and get some sleep with this tears on , until i decided to write something for you . I really thought that this whole letter writing thing was .. "another love letter", until i realised ...

There is so much I want to tell you but I shouldn't because this isn't a love letter. There is so much I need you to know, bleed for you to know, but I shouldn't have you knowing, because this isn't a love letter. There is so much that would need to be avoided, skirted around, because this is not a love letter.

This isn't a love letter because you don't love me, and I'm a coward to leave a painful record of unrequited love, so I should sidestep all the things that scream I love you, and should instead murmur the things I feel I can utter to pacify my raging heart.

My raging heart won't be pacified, however, by anything less than you, all of you, so this is not a love letter because you don't love me, but I'm still writing it because I do, so much so that I can't help it, even though I know I'll overwhelm you, burden you, alienate you with my unconcealed passion.

I'll shed the outer skin, I'll shed all pretense, and all the tears I never cried for you, and I'll write you not about love, but about goodbye, because after reading this letter you won't want to know more, won't want to be near me, you'll be scared away by a me that you never met and won't recognize, a me that is a genius out of a bottle you never meant to open.

Maybe you're already half afraid, you no longer recognize me, you're already withdrawing from this strange and unfamiliar me, who loves you and never told you, and maybe you're also a bit shocked that my passion, my feelings, enveloped you without you noticing, never suspecting, never looking into me long enough to read me, like you're now reading my goodbye.

That's why I never told you, because you never had a look in your eyes, a tilt of your head, a quietness to your body that ever told me you would listen, you were never ready for me to tell you, and so I kept it from you, because you just don't love me. But you will read this letter and you will know, even though I shouldn't tell you, even though I shouldn't love you, even though the things I need to tell you are my own and you don't need to know, you will finally know and be burdened, while I'm saying goodbye.

"IF I HAD YOU , LIFE WOULD BE PARTY IT'D BE ECTASSY . IF I HAD YOU , MONEY FAME AND FORTUNE NEVER COULD COMPETE"

Dear Sam , you gave me insomnia.

2011-07-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

i knew straight away. a room full of men and i saw only you. i knew it. not sure you did tho. i do that a lot. feel on my own. you looked up, eye contact made. my initial thought? oh no not again. just once before id felt that spark, and got burnt. i swore i wouldnt indulge in "chemistry" again.

and then there was you. you gave me insomnia. trying to sort out in my head what it was that i felt for you. by dawn id decided to distance myself from you. and you trampled all over that decision, why were you drawn to me? you've never told me how you felt.

you went back home, putting miles between us. and 4 years on i still cant tell you how i feel. why? because you are more than i will ever be. and i guess the moment has passed.

i never told anyone about you, my secret. my forbidden fruit.

i tried so hard not to fall for you. im sorry. i cant stop. but if i told you, the rejection would pain me millions more that what i feel now. u remain oblivious.

iv got to let you be. because while u remain unaware, you're free. untarnished by my filthy hands that ruin everything i touch. u remain perfect, my beautiful secret. stainless. im tired of getting over people who dont love me back. there will come a day where i watch you settle down and probably marry another girl, and she wont be good enough for you either. i thought time and distance would heal me, but its still as raw as ever, im an emotional haemophiliac, my wounds still bleed. and i still love you,
u know who you are.

" YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU"

Dear Sam

2011-07-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam ,

Since today , i decided to write a letter for you , each and every day . A long letter , a serious one .

Today , yes today . I want to tell you , i want you here with me, only for one night . I live day to day , thinking of you . I picture everything about you in my mind . Everything about you , as if you were really here with me . When i fall asleep , i dream that youre next to me, and i can feel your skin underneath my hand . My world is spinning , as i can feel defeat. Why can't i sleep? why does my throat close whenever you speak ?

My heart breaks just to be around you . I take in the way you move, the way you talk , act , and the way you smile whenever you are around. My eyes directed down, when your faze falls upon me . This tension, it kills me . My unspokken attraction is enough to fill up volumes .

At this moment, it feela safer to watch you from afar with no rejections. You have taken up every residences in my mind. when i think of you , i can feel the butterfly fluttering inside me. You dont notice me , or the way i looked at you, because you see me as a friend and nothing more. But when i looked at you, nothing could turn my eyes away .

I would feel like we were the only two existence . But, as i sit here watching the moon set into the horizon , my heart sinks with it. My pain is my entire fault . When will i learn? You would never want me . Im not perfect, beautiful, or anything important . I have to let the dream of you and me go .

" I BLAME MOVIES FOR MY HIGH EXPECTATION OF LOVE"

To the one i will never have , the dissease in my heart.

2011-07-17T02:44:00.000-07:00

soo , yep whats up .

my last post was durring my 2-months-heavenly-holliday .

got nothing to do and decided to post something LONG and HEAVY.

For this past few weeks , im back in track with falling in love . yes , my old lovers,back from my primary school. He got this amazing smile , this black glasses and this black G-shock watch or so, last but not least, he got this vibe and there's something special about him. Its was kinda stupid and childish , to think that it would be different this time . Im just going to call him Sam *nothisobviousrealname* .My irony of life,seriously thought that everything's gonna be alright , ill take a shot , take a chance,and POFF he's mine.Yea rite , i feel like a dumbo .

it's so absurd how i am anonymous to him and it was awesome how he manage to make me smile with just one chat , and cry with those "goodbyes". So bare with me now , cause i am just another girl for him . I've been hiding the truth , since we havent been together . I remember how i watched Sam , as he whisper into her ears, i wish i could tell him how i feel , i wish he wasnt that careless so that i dont have to pretend . I wish you knew, that im scared one day i wont be able to love you at this degree.

I remember , few days ago , you asked me , how come i used to be in love with you , well compare to all the great things , it would take too long to write , but hey , this is a part of my REASONS , ill never manage to tell you :

these are words i cannot say , but despite all the arguments , i love you from the start. I like the way your mind works. The way you're so unique. And when I'm in my darkest hour I long to hear you speak. i remember the way you walk , and slightly smile . the way you are different , with those misterious eyes, i know that you are special , i could tell right from the start . Dont turn your back on me , yet . im not ready to let you go .

Durring school recess , i used to see him everyday . walking down the hall . walk pass through me , like he didnt see me at all, but i really thought that when i moved school , i could forget you . You dont know the misery, sleepless night, and pain of a broken and lost soul . Its dissapointing , i know i cant have you, but i wish i had you . I compare every guy that i like to you , but none of seems to get through . Once for the tears , twice for every lies , third for the pain , and more to die . if i have even the smallest guts to tell you my real feelings , i probably would write you this letter :

dear Sam,
i went to the doctor today
to have a check up
and found out
i have this disease of the heart.
he said it's very common among
incidents of forbidden love.
it usually occurs when the one
you love is already taken by someone else.
he said it's symptoms include sneaky glances, looking for him in a crowded hall,
passing by the room where he sits, staring longingly at his back as goes away, and making a fool of yourself when you're in front of him.
he said it gets worse by the way
and hurts like hell by the day.
Doctor said he clearly saw all these signs in me.
problem is,
he can't give me any medicine to cure this
cause the girl before me took it.
yours until you realize it.

I cried overnight , woke up with a sore throat , and pain . 1 hour sleep was just .. BLAH !

So , please . im begging you , if i can turn you around, if i crawl on my knees to start writing our story tonight, would you care , or you gone with her ? Tell me . Dont give me chances , give me reasons first . At least you have my pin , to talk to me .

picture was edited by picnic photo editor , i-dream-high-with-a-superficiall-mind.courtesy

"Cause its a quarter after one , im all alone and i need you now . i said i wouldnt call, but i got a little drunk and i need you now ."

the PLUS SIZE fashion tips

2011-06-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

in the fashion industry , not only the skinny girls that wanted to look fashionably stylish, and YES so are the plus size girl . well this is basically some tips on what should they wear to make them look proportional . just like the skinny girl both of them have "THE RULE"

WEAR A BLACK COLOURED OR DARK COLOURED OUTFIT

2. WEAR SOMETHING WITH THE RIGHT SIZE

3. WEAR UR HIGH HEELS WITH THE RIGHT HEIGHT

4. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO WEAR SOMETHING BRIGHT , WEAR SOMETHING WITH A WAISTLINE OR BELT TO SHOW UR HIP

5. DISTRACT PEOPLE WITH A NICE BAG OR STATEMENT ACCESSORIES

6. WEAR SOMETHING VERTICALLY NOT HORIZONTALLY!

6. WEAR SOMETHING SIMPLE NOT TOO MUCH LAYERS

7. HAVE A GOOD FACIAL EXPRESSION AND SMILE . IT GIVES YOU MORE CONFIDENT

XOXO BEVV

FASHION ITEM THAT WILL LAST FOREVER ! (:

2011-06-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

i know this post was kinda stupid , but , im sure , this is the items that you should own in ur closet (:

1. LITTLE BLACK DRESS

2. BLACK TIGHTS

3. BOLD SCARFS

4. THE RIGHT BAG

5. SUNGLASSES

so , keep this things ladies ,

XOXO BEVV

COLOR PALETTE

2011-06-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE OH-SO-IMPORTANT COLOUR PALETTE !

1. Wear with dark colors like black or white. Another option is pastels color!

2. Take it to another level by striking the color palette along with other patterns

3. Finally, let the color palette become the focus of attention of your whole look.

xoxo, bevv

HIGH TOP AND SNEAKERS MADNESS !

2011-06-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone love sneakers, who doesn't?

Why? Because sneakers can be worn with ~~almost~~ everything!

sneakers and high tops are identic with boyish style , sneakers, jeans and tee's are highly recomended !

for those who have a nice long lean legs , wears a nice shorts . it will make you look taller . its time to show your legs , people ! don't forget to "shine-it-up" !
for those who have "the-other-way" type of legs , dont wear a shorts bottom . wear some stocking , believe me , you'll look taller and slimmer in ur stockings

this is what happened when u wear shorts + gladiator/sneakers /high tops :

ur leg wont look good , trust me honey , i know !

anyways , my main idea was to explain how sneakers and high tops was one type of those shoes that will never goes out of style . and for the main surprise , ive been working with this blog lately , and ive got my fellow shoes expert on ! asked for Q&A , they also sell various brand of shoes with good quality , i can guarantee ur satisfaction !

welcoming to our blog,

CLOCKEDUP ONLINE STORE !

they sell high quality shoes with nice price that will seriously fit ur pocket money ! and importantly worth the price !

clockedUp contact person :

081703085900
08175071737

@ClockedUp

and lastly , some fashionable fitted cap !

what are u waiting for ? join me and @ClockedUp and be fashionable everyday !

xoxo , BEV & @ClockedUp

when ripped jeans become fashionable,..

2011-06-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

ripped jeans was one of the awesome fashion item that never goes out of style , wanna make sure that you look effortlessly awesome ? i got the right tips for you !

ripped jeans soul mate = simple top + bold accessories+ nice heels
ripped jeans lover = all black+ a touch of bold red

for that "oomph" casual look = ripped jeans+white tank top + vintage bag = AWESOME
casually stylish = ripeed jeans + long stripe top + simple and chic bag + pumps

have fun and play bold baby !

XOXO , Bevv

OH MY SOCKS !

2011-06-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

socks was one of an important things in fashion world . it was cheap , easy to wear, colourful and offcourse , chic!

wear ur socks depending on ur wardrobe
nice colour for everyday style : black white and gray . for white colour , make sure u choose the right fabric and its not too high
transform ur old school socks into a fashionable items ! its DOITYOURSELF ERA ! dye it :) trust me , it works
ur ussual shoes , will look awesome wth the right socks !

happy socks day ,

xoxo bevv

2011-06-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

guys, ill be posting more and more stuff to my blog due to the great boredomn durring my summer holiday . i feel soooo whatever now .
xoxo bev
www.facebook//beverlyaprilia
www.idreamhigh.tumblr.com
www.idreamhigh-unconditionally.blogspot.com

the wounds left .

2011-06-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

The wound left by the blade of steel bleeds out as she lies head in hand.
Wondering why her once seemingly perfect life took such a terrible stand.

She cries every night craving what her old, perfect life used to hold.
Her friends, her smile, her family, her unbreakable stronghold.

Her heart is broken by the one who she thought she loved more then anything.
He took her heart, her trust and her love and threw it away, now her wrists are aching.

Her love he threw away was all that had kept her safe, kept her alive.
Now without the feeling of being cared for she can’t find a reason to survive.

She wants to live, she really does but, without his love she doesn’t see the appeal.
Any way out, any plan for escape she can’t find anything to do, this seems unreal.

Her world spiraling out of control as she just makes another blood covered line.
She didn’t know all of this would happen when he left, she figured she’d be fine.

But, without his love and affection her life that used to be perfect was now pointless.
She didn’t know anything would come out of her blood red marks, she figured it was harmess.

You try telling her they’re harmless now as she lies dead, six feet underneath the ground.
She was crying out, screaming at the world, just hoping to be noticed, hoping to be found.

Her “harmless” cuts were just the begining, they let her depression consume her.
If only someone had heard her cries out for help, maybe her life would’ve ended better.

All because he didn’t love her back, he didn’t feel the same emotions that she lived on.
She took those emotions way to far, she sacrificed her life over this one person being gone.

She love him so much but, He never knew all of the pain that she went through.
He didn’t know how much she cared, he never could see how he had made her new.

She loved him with her whole heart, but love doesn’t get translated from the grave.
If only she would have held on if only she wouldn’t have given in and caved.

She would be alive, happy and maybe even in his arms if she hadnt made that cut.
After that her life wasn’t happy or better or anything, infact it was anything but.

sleepless night - bev

2011-06-18T01:51:00.001-07:00

I lay upon my bed one night,
my head in the clouds, up in flight,
I think about you here and now,
but I cannot sleep because I'm in the clouds,
all the good times we've had,
how could is possibly come to this end,
for always never lasted long,
forever I said you'll be my love,
I tried to be the one,
who showed you,
unconditional love,
I gave you all the love I had,
but it didn't matter in the end,
you slice me and dice me with words unspoken of,
while I never use words unheard of,
you've made me out to be a fool,
because all you ever were was cruel,
I thought my love for you was enough,
but it never truely ever was,
I do miss you with all my heart,
and always remember what I said,
Forever and ever you'll be in my heart,
Forever I'll think of you until life stops...

please let me go :'(

2011-06-18T01:40:00.000-07:00

Through these sorrowed… saddened, eyes,
I see through you, through your mask, your entire disguise.
You think you’re sly, oh, how you think you’re quick.
The web you’ve weaved, truth be told, will one day make you stick.
But though I see your opaque schemes,
I’m trapped by you, trapped; stuck it seems.
You call on me, your trusty foe.
Barred and broken, I wish. Oh how I wish you would just let me go.
Leave me here, Just leave me to waste away,
I wish it, but could I even handle such a day?
I guess I’m here to dwell for good.
In darkness draped, engulfed, in your torturous hood.
Day and night your cold wind blows
across my skin, through my soul. Please, Please…
Let me go.

and yes , i wrote my own poems :) enjoy !

why some girls cheated on their boyfriend

2011-06-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

well, i took some time and decided to post this shit on my blog . its all my pure idea , and im just telling and being open with whats on my mind (:

" Like any virus, women are not content with ruining their own lives. Ultimately, they seek out the lives of decent, honest men and tempt and corrupt them until they appear to be cheaters as well when nothing could be further from the truth. Cheating is like getting pregnant. It’s 100% a woman’s fault 100% of the time.
menarebetterthanwomen.com "

I don’t mean this to be a provocateur or to prance around in the realm of the hypothetical like some kind of dandy but somehow , the guy who posted that was kinda selfish in his own ways .

the ~~most~~ reasons that some girls had cheated was possibly :

1 they are bored
2 they find someone else more attractive
3 they dont feel loved by their boyfriends
4 they are in a weird mood and will regret it later so give her a break

more reasons :

Not really love, then

IF she loved him with all of her heart then she would not cheat!

~~might be~~Intoxicated
Maybe she was drunk.

so, guys , please , check urself out b4 u accuse ur girls for cheating ..

About heart , the same old one Mirror mirror on the wall..

2011-06-17T23:06:00.001-07:00

I smile and act like nothing wrong, called putting shit aside and acting strong i dont even know what went wrong with you, and everybody, because all i saw was you and them, walking away without any notes , while everything was fine. You know what? If i were'nt afraid, i would probably tell you everything, and we’d live happy. Not ever after, but for a while , and i honestly think that's enough.. so here i was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old , tired and lonely place.

So im walking, working , barely breathing , my thoughts , far away i cant even described. Heart aching and mind racing, sleep doesnt come easily nor last that long. I feel like im driving on an open highway, never knowing what im gonna find in this life. Skipping rocks and leaving foot prints, just living the moments . i barely recognaise my own reflection and it takes every breath , leaving every scar, speaks through my soul and sings to my heart.

Thousands drop of liquid pain, and a shards of mirror falling from my wall, theres a girl in the mirror shivering with pain, waiting for it to end, she tries to scream but she had no other voice. She feels the emptiness , and its calling her name. Sadly , i cant think of one way, to help that girl i met on the mirror. Again , i found myself trying to search for the same old me .

first post (:

2011-06-17T23:01:00.001-07:00

soo , freakinly , this is my first post . i made alot of some new id's cause i eassily forget one . soo far , i made a new yahoo id , google id , skype id and tumblr id . pardon me for being soo ... clumsy (: c u on the next post !